Only New Parents and Surgery Patients....

Get SO EXCITED about poop.

This post is about poop.  Human poop.  Stop reading if you don't want to know.

So here's the story.

Up until this morning (Tuesday, June 5th), I had not pooped since the morning of surgery.  That's five full days of non-popping, people.  At first, they told me that I would probably poop by the time I left the hospital.  Sunday afternoon, and no bowel movement.  I was kind of worried they'd hold me hostage until I could poop, but thankfully they let me go home.  Things did get kinda serious, though, when I still didn't have to go on Monday morning. The nurse from the home health service seemed kind of concerned.

We got ourselves some milk of magnesia. That stuff is gross, guys.  It's only slightly more bearable than Pepto.  At least this stuff is mint-flavored....mint-flavored chalk-shake.  Mmm.  I took a shot Monday morning and waited for something to happen.  Nothin'.  Oh well.  I was feeling pretty shitty overall on Monday, so not-pooping was probably a good thing.  It meant less time sitting upright on the toilet, something I struggled with anyway.

This is not an uncommon occurrence with surgery.  The combination of the surgery its self, the pain meds, and decreased mobility all contribute to lack of gastrointestinal movement.  They start you on stool softeners in the hospital almost as soon as you can keep solid food down (or sometimes before).  I had had one hit of morphine before deciding that wasn't for me, so it was all Oxycontin from there on out.

I wasn't physically uncomfortable from the not-pooping, but they keep threatening you with concerned eyebrows when you tell them you haven't pooped.  "If it hasn't happened by day five, you might have to go back into the hospital."  Yikes!  Bowels, engage!

Luckily that didn't happen.  I took another shot of mint-chalk-shake last night.  And by about 8am this morning, I pooped.  Seriously, I was never so excited.  It was painful.  And then, because of the milk of magnesia, I kept pooping.  (That shit does not mess around, kids).

Paul got this text on his first break at work "Poop!"

Like I said...only new parents and surgery patients.